Trump to make a clean sweep of all the Nobel Prizes?

I intend to leave after my death a large fund for the promotion of the peace idea, but I am skeptical as to its results.

–Alfred Nobel

The serious part

Donald Trump is desperate to receive the Nobel Peace Prize. He hasn’t just hinted at it, but practically demanded it. He’s, however, done so in a roundabout way on Truth Social, his personal journal for unhinged midnight rants. Then, just to make sure he’s dropped some indirect hints in the demented, rambling monologues he’s become notorious for whenever facing the press.

He has been nominated on several occasions, both locally and internationally, including by a right-wing nut in Norway who advocated for the demise of the United Nations Refugee and Works Agency for Palestinians (UNRWA), and a right-leaning Swedish politician from a party extolling bigoted conservative Christian norms. Although nominations for the 2025 Nobel Prizes closed in January, the Pakistani government has now also nominated Trump for the Peace Prize.

Why Pakistan would do something so monumentally craven is debatable. Given its acrimonious relationship with neighbouring India, though, its probably got something to do with currying favour with the American president ahead of Prime Minister, Narendra Modi who’s already so far up Trump’s ass, he can literally whisper directly inside his ear.

Since the first Peace Prize was awarded in 1901, only 19 women have been recipients from the 111 individuals who have won. I find it hard to believe that so few women are winning in an area where maternal instincts are more likely to lead to peaceful outcomes than traditional male machismo.

The awarding of the Nobel Prizes in the various categories has often been controversial, with accusations of political meddling, sexism, and a Eurocentric bias in the selection process. Particularly affected are the Peace and Literature prizes. It appears that things started to go pear-shaped in 1973 when notorious warmonger, Henry Kissinger, won the Nobel for his role in negotiating a ceasefire and America’s farcical withdrawal from Vietnam. The Peace Prize became distinctly tainted since then.

While Nobel Prize recipients in Physics and Economics typically wait, on average, up to 23 years to receive an award, chemists wait 20 years, and medical scientists wait 21 years. Winners in the Peace category, however, seem to be adjudicated very quickly, with Barack Obama in particular winning within months of commencing his term of office. Following Kissinger’s win, warmongers, war criminals and other dubious individuals have been winning the once-coveted Peace Prize with regularity:

1. In 1973, Henry Kissinger, whose fame as a warmonger is now cemented in history, won the Nobel for his role in negotiating a ceasefire and America’s farcical withdrawal from Vietnam. He gained notoriety for his role in many of America’s “dirty wars” around the world in Cambodia, Bolivia, Chile, Argentina, East Timor, and Bangladesh.
2. 1978 recipient, Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin, was anything but a peaceful figure. He was the leader of the Zionist military faction, Irgun, which was involved in many terrorist activities. He promoted Israeli settlement expansion in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, authorised the bombing of a nuclear plant in Iraq, and the invasion of Lebanon, which led to the 1982 Lebanon War.
3. 1994 recipient, Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin, was responsible for detaining people from the West Bank without trial, demolishing Palestinian houses, crushing dissent and free speech by shutting down newspapers and deporting activists. His actions probably led to the First Intifada or Palestinian uprising. He authorised the use of violent force against the peaceful protests.
4. 1994 co-recipient, Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Perez, was a protégé of the Zionist founder of Israel, David Ben-Gurion, and a member of the Jewish terrorist group, Haganah, responsible for many atrocities against Palestinians in the late 1940s. He is also considered to be the architect of Israel’s secretive nuclear arms program. In 1996, he authorised the shelling of South Lebanon, resulting in 106 civilian deaths. Perez also downplayed the Armenian Genocide, rejecting comparisons to the Holocaust.
5. In 2009, Barack Obama received the Nobel Peace Prize within nine months of assuming office. Obama ordered the first many drone strikes three days into his presidency, which killed 20 civilians. He continued thumbing his nose at the Nobel Peace Prize, long after receiving the honour. By the end of his presidency, he had ordered 542 drone strikes, killing an estimated 3,797 people, including 324 civilians. In the last year of his presidency alone, the U.S. had dropped 26,171 bombs on seven different countries. He became known as the drone strike president, but unfortunately for him, no organisation was awarding a gold medal for that honour.

While not a strict rule, Nobel candidates in the various categories are generally nominated by members of academies, university professors, scientists, and previous Nobel Prize laureates. However, members of Parliamentary assemblies and other politicians seem to be the most influential in nominating Peace Prize candidates. Is it any wonder that some of the recipients are definitely undeserving of such an honour?

The frivolous part

Given that the Nobel Prize is tainted, why can’t a narcissistic, egotistical jerk like Donald Trump be a recipient? He’s certainly earned his nomination for the Peace Prize for not only supporting Israel in its Genocide against the Palestinians, he’s now racking up a bombing record by helping them bomb Iran. That’s not all; he has unilaterally declared peace after claiming success in the bombing raid.

But why stop there? Hell, he could be the first person since Linus Pauling to be honoured in more than one category. And since we’ve all but accepted our destiny in a post-truth world, let’s abandon all reason and award Trump the Nobel Prize in every category.

There’s certainly a strong case for it, even if it exists only in Trump’s unhinged, infantile mind (and now in my own, unfortunately):

The Nobel Peace Prize is a no-brainer. Trump has been outstanding in being a loyal simp for Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu. He’s provided the funding, political cover and diplomatic support at the UN for Netanyahu’s Genocide in Gaza. He helped the genocidal lunatic bomb Iran, declared victory and then declared peace to boot. If that’s not Peace Prize worthy, then only Kissinger, Begin, Rabin, Perez, and Obama know what is.

The Nobel Prize in Literature is also a no-brainer. Trump is a literary genius, if only a comedic one. His unhinged midnight rants on Truth Social are comedic gold. It may not have the poetic brilliance of a Bob Dylan, but it both makes us laugh and is laughable. That’s deserving of a Nobel in my post-truth opinion. Here’s an example:

The Nobel Prizes for Physics and Chemistry are a little more complicated, but not for Trump. He’s a self-declared stable genius. The New York Times confirms it, so who are we to cast doubt? There’s undoubtedly chemistry between Trump and the MAGA cult. We may not understand the science behind such grovelling adulation, but Trump deserves the Nobel for pulling it off.

Trump is also a shoo-in for the Nobel Prize for Medicine, in our alternative reality, post-truth world, of course. Nobody dared suggest injecting bleach into the body to treat COVID, but Trump stunned the medical fraternity five years ago with his audacious suggestion. It was a genius move that nobody in the room dared to challenge. In another stunning move in his second term, he appointed an anti-vaxxer as his Secretary of Health and Human Services. That sheer audaciousness alone is deserving of a Nobel.

And finally, the Nobel Prize for Economic Sciences is probably the easiest one to award to Trump. Our understanding of tariffs was turned on its head with Trump’s introduction of his revolutionary rollercoaster trade tariff policy. Trade tariffs can fluctuate on whim alone from day to day and week to week, and that whim belongs only to Donald Trump. Nothing has stunned world leaders like the introduction of his trade tariffs. Also, very little has made the world laugh louder. It’s a delicate balancing act, imposing a tariff and then caving hours later. Nobody does it with such disdain.

But let’s not forget all those amazing trade deals with hundreds of countries around the world that exist only in Trump’s deranged mind. And the sheer audacity of using your countrymen’s tax dollars to fund someone else’s wars and Genocides? Surely no other potential laureate can compete with that?