The League of Extraordinary Genitalia

Since the presidential inauguration a week ago, Donald Trump, newly minted US Commander In Chief, and his egotistical sidekick, Elon Musk, have been hogging the headlines in an apparent contest to cement their status as complete prats.

Trump has been busy consummating his built-up petty vengeance by signing some of the most absurd executive orders, threatening people who’ve crossed him, most notably the Bishop of Washington, setting into motion the mass deportation of illegal migrants, pardoning criminals, withdrawing from the Paris Climate Accords and World Health Organization (WHO), threatened to annex foreign territory, paused foreign aid, fired key civil servants in various government departments, and all but emasculated the Department of Health and Centre for Disease Control.

Not to be outdone, Elon Musk, meanwhile, gave the unmistakable Nazi salute at an inauguration rally, which was immediately defended as a “Roman” salute by a confidant, and as “… an awkward gesture in a moment of enthusiasm…” by no less an organization that the Anti-Defamation League. Musk then made a virtual appearance at a rally for Germany’s far-right AfD Party to cap that feat. Also, in apparent lockstep with Trump, who renamed the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, Musk proposed that the English Channel be renamed to the George Washington Channel.

While both men are renowned bigots, they do have an extraordinary league of supporters, both in America and around the world. Here in South Africa, where unfortunately, Musk was born, I am confronted daily by an army of racist jackasses, nostalgic for the glory days of apartheid, who fawn over every vitriolic word uttered by both him and Trump.

It’s not clear at this stage which of these two hideous humans is more dangerous to the US and the world at large. They both exert enormous influence over world politics and economics. It does not help that they have a substantial gullible following who are motivated by all kinds of bigotry.

There aren’t enough foul superlatives to describe both Trump and Musk. A British writer, Nate White, penned probably the most scathing yet accurate characterization of Trump I have ever encountered. One could apply pretty much everything he wrote to Musk as well.

A few things spring to mind. Trump lacks certain qualities which the British traditionally esteem. For instance, he has no class, no charm, no coolness, no credibility, no compassion, no wit, no warmth, no wisdom, no subtlety, no sensitivity, no self-awareness, no humility, no honour and no grace – all qualities, funnily enough, with which his predecessor Mr. Obama was generously blessed. So for us, the stark contrast does rather throw Trump’s limitations into embarrassingly sharp relief.

Plus, we like a laugh. And while Trump may be laughable, he has never once said anything wry, witty or even faintly amusing – not once, ever. I don’t say that rhetorically, I mean it quite literally: not once, not ever. And that fact is particularly disturbing to the British sensibility – for us, to lack humour is almost inhuman. But with Trump, it’s a fact. He doesn’t even seem to understand what a joke is – his idea of a joke is a crass comment, an illiterate insult, a casual act of cruelty.

Trump is a troll. And like all trolls, he is never funny and he never laughs; he only crows or jeers. And scarily, he doesn’t just talk in crude, witless insults – he actually thinks in them. His mind is a simple bot-like algorithm of petty prejudices and knee-jerk nastiness.

There is never any under-layer of irony, complexity, nuance or depth. It’s all surface. Some Americans might see this as refreshingly upfront. Well, we don’t. We see it as having no inner world, no soul. And in Britain we traditionally side with David, not Goliath. All our heroes are plucky underdogs: Robin Hood, Dick Whittington, Oliver Twist. Trump is neither plucky, nor an underdog. He is the exact opposite of that. He’s not even a spoiled rich-boy, or a greedy fat-cat. He’s more a fat white slug. A Jabba the Hutt of privilege.

And worse, he is that most unforgivable of all things to the British: a bully. That is, except when he is among bullies; then he suddenly transforms into a snivelling sidekick instead. There are unspoken rules to this stuff – the Queensberry rules of basic decency – and he breaks them all. He punches downwards – which a gentleman should, would, could never do – and every blow he aims is below the belt. He particularly likes to kick the vulnerable or voiceless – and he kicks them when they are down.

So the fact that a significant minority – perhaps a third – of Americans look at what he does, listen to what he says, and then think ‘Yeah, he seems like my kind of guy’ is a matter of some confusion and no little distress to British people, given that:
• Americans are supposed to be nicer than us, and mostly are.
• You don’t need a particularly keen eye for detail to spot a few flaws in the man.

This last point is what especially confuses and dismays British people, and many other people too; his faults seem pretty bloody hard to miss. After all, it’s impossible to read a single tweet, or hear him speak a sentence or two, without staring deep into the abyss. He turns being artless into an art form; he is a Picasso of pettiness; a Shakespeare of shit. His faults are fractal: even his flaws have flaws, and so on ad infinitum. God knows there have always been stupid people in the world, and plenty of nasty people too. But rarely has stupidity been so nasty, or nastiness so stupid. He makes Nixon look trustworthy and George W look smart. In fact, if Frankenstein decided to make a monster assembled entirely from human flaws – he would make a Trump.

And a remorseful Doctor Frankenstein would clutch out big clumpfuls of hair and scream in anguish: ‘My God… what… have… I… created?’ If being a twat was a TV show, Trump would be the boxed set.

With two apparent psychopaths at the helm, many people are saying that it’s going to be four long years. Terrifyingly, that could be much longer, given the constitutional amendment submitted recently in the US Congress to allow Trump to serve a third term.

If that much turmoil can be created in one week, imagine the catastrophe eight years of the Trump-Musk collusion will wreak?